By Remez Sasson
Look at the people around you, and you will discover that almost everyone seems to get emotionally involved, and go through the ups and downs of the people close to them. Sometimes, they also get emotionally involved with the problems of strangers too.
Look, for example, at how parents feel in relation to their children. They get anxious and stressed by whatever happens to them at school and with friends. Sometimes, this goes too far, making the parents nervous, restless and tense. This is an unhealthy situation, draining their strength and energy, and preventing them from having a sound sleep at night.
Is this necessary? You might say that you need to sympathize and empathize. Yes, you are right, but only up to a certain point.
A certain amount of empathy is okay, but when it becomes exaggerated it causes unnecessary emotional pain and suffering.
You need to realize that everyone has his or her own life, with its ups and downs, and things he or she has to deal with in order to grow and get stronger. You don’t need to solve everyone’s problem. What makes you think that you can do it better for them?
Too much empathy does not help anyone, but it can make you unhappy and emotionally depleted. Helping others is a good thing to do, but taking their problems on your back is absolutely not necessary.
Imagine you see a friend of yours slipping and falling into a muddy puddle, what would you do, help him get out of the puddle, or jump after him into the puddle in order to sympathize with him? Would it help if both of you fall into the mud? Of course, it wouldn’t!
A certain amount of detachment always helps, and is not a sign of inconsideration. A little detachment helps you be more practical and use common sense, and therefore, be of more help to others. It is a much more desirable situation than letting their ups and downs affect your moods and state of health.
There is no reason in the world why you should take anything too personally. There is no reason in the world to take responsibility for everything that happens to other people.
Love your family and friends, and help them whenever you can. However, there is no need to be affected by what they say, think or go through. This is a sheer waste of energy and time, which makes you suffer. Adopting this attitude does not mean that you become indifferent, uncaring and aloof. It is a totally practical attitude, and of greater help to the person with whom you empathize.
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Remez Sasson is an author and blogger. He is the founder of SuccessConsciousness.com, a website and blog about self improvement and spiritual growth.
Remez Sasson is the author of several life transforming books, containing a wealth of information, advice and guidance.
Yes you are right. I already suffered from this kind of attitude wherein I always listens to someones problem. I forgot that I am already absorbing their problems which is not good for me and my health. It is my husband who is always telling me that if he will still see me so depressed better stop so that I would not be a problem to him. He also told me that if I want to help I should be stronger than them.
Thanks for sharing this article. It helps me a lot.
You are right Remez, sometimes we have to let them become independent that they will stand alone with their problems. Being too much dependent with your family and friends is not right. There are times that a person should do something alone to survive, whether in good or in bad times. Thank you for sharing these awakening words that would help other people learn that giving too much empathy does not help anyone. I had a great time reading this. More power to you!
Yes! i love this… I use to feel for people and just take their problem like it was happening to me but it always result to enmity and negative results. There are times you just have to be alone and let people think what they like about you without minding them
YES! I completely agree with you. We love our friends and family… but why add extra suffering to our OWN situation? That only makes matters worse. Instead, share humanity but control your own emotions without other people’s feelings or situations affect yours. I try not to allow my exerternal situations get a hold of my emotions. How you cope with your emotions will play a huge part on whether or not you’ll get where you want to be.
thanks for this post!
I agree with you Remez. Because by looking and listening you can acquire all the negative and positive energy of the person. Sometimes you will get affected as if you are the one suffering. Nice article and thanks for sharing.
The approach of non-involvement is the route professionals take whether they are therapists, healers or doctors. They don’t get personally involved. This way their help is objective. Getting personally involved clouded a friends judgement so therefore affects the advice given. A detached caring attitude is possible, if you don’t let your heart rule your head.
Thank you for this. It made me feel so much better about my over-empathy to my mother.
Remez,
Reading your article was just what I needed today.
My brother has a girlfriend with a very tragic past. Well, my family got into a huge blow out because I felt that she was mooching off of my family and justified it because of her difficult life. I called out her behavior and my brother started a huge argument with me.
You see, the problem is he has too much empathy to her situation. Yes, its sad. And she is defiantly in my prayers. But I also have my own issues too, so I pray for her and move on.
Whereas my brother who is unemployed and has a host of his own issues, will walk around with a sad face and upset attitude after hearing one of her tragic family stories. He’s wasting valuable time. He use to write music everyday. Now he spends all of his energy “helping” her by listening to her stories. In actuality, i’ts not helping either of them. Instead, it looks like it’s hindering their ability to move away from the old problems and towards their actual dreams and goals.
Last night my family made me feel as though I was the MEANEST person in the WORLD to suggest that my brother detach himself from her sad stories. Your article felt like a warm hug to me. I needed to know that someone else thought detachment is sometimes healthy. Thanks Remez